Dad explained the difference between theory and reality.
Dad told me to ask mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Mom said she would. Dad then told me to ask my sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Sis said she would. Dad said right. In theory, we are sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we are living with two whores.
What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!
What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?
Attire.
What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?
A dollar.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts??
Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck.
What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?
A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
What is the difference between Hitler and Seabiscuit?
Seabiscuit could finish a race.
“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?
One of them belongs in a bowl.
What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?
Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.
(I thought that one up myself)
What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?
One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.
One goes *THWACK*, oh fuck. The other goes oh fuck, *THWACK*.
Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"
I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."
What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?
If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a black man?
A refrigerator doesn’t get shot for running
What is the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?
Hitler had the decency to kill himself after he lost.
What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A Pickpocket snatches watches.