Difference jokes

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them isn't an elephant.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."

Jewish man: "For what?!?"

Chinese man: "The Titanic!"

Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"

Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ?

Independence Day

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this...'

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

The rock musician plays three chords for thousands of people, the jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to three people.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?

One's a rectified sanctum...

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What's different between Trump and the Lannisters?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Using a feather is erotic. Using the entire bird is kinky

What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.