The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.
The Army would post guards around the place.
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.
The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....
Son told his dad he loves the girl next door
"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."
"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"
"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."
Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him
"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had fours doors they would be chicken sedans.
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'
'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out
As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"
Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.
What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"
We opened for The Doors
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
I met this girl the other day and she
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.
Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
Wonder Woman
Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.
Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.
Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."
When life closes a door
Open it back up; sort of how doors work.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"
Pavlov walks into a bar
As he opens the door the bell rings. "Oh shit!" Yells Pavlov, "I forgot to feed my dogs!"
Milk Order
A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"