Face jokes

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

During an FBI exam, three men face a scenario: to shoot their wives. The first two couldn't do it. The third admits, "The gun wasn't loaded, so I strangled her."

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I was drivin pasta!

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.

-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...

Everybody came. You should have seen her face!

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

My girlfriend broke up with me.

She said "I'm sorry, but you're just too immature." I looked her dead in the face and said "Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"

A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"

"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.

To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."

"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.

"Bad boy"

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite star wars character..

You should have seen the luke on her face....

A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.

"Y, the long face."