As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"
The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.
Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.
Karen: Thanks....
Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.
Mario goes to court
The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”
Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”
The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...
...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.
My son asked what marriage was like.
I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.
Milk Order
A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."
There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator
Only a fraction of people will find this funny
What’s an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?
Dad: Mom.
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?
Mom: Dad.
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”
I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”
A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.
I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”
A plumber rings the doorbell
"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.
"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"
"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"
"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"
"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
"How much to buy a singing ensemble?"
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"
“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.