Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.
The parrot was cool though.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
Always Wanted to get Married
My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.
So we converted to Islam.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."
How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?
Boooooooobs!
You’re welcome.
Happy Halloween everybody!
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
I fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels
She didn't know I existed
Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....
cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
A southern girl and a northern girl meet.
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
For an old man's 98th birthday,
his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"
I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...
It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?
Cause she's probably thick and tired of it
I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.
I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.
You get what you paid for
So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"
Girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her
I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.