The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?
Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
Two old guys were chatting in the park.
"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.
Why are uncircumcised guys always horny?
Because the boys in the hood are always hard.
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon
She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..
“I know what you’re about to do !”
“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”
The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...
trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”
The guy gets fed up and walks away..
“Where you going ?” asks the lady?
“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, 'cause I'm still here.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I’m scared." Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"
Other girls be like "I want a 6ft guy," meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
You flip it over.
What show does an orphan hate? Family Guy.
Two men are talking about their sex lives...
One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."
"What's welfare sex?" asks the other
"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"
I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter
... he was fucking nuts.
A guys walks into a bar...
...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.
"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.
"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.
"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.
"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"
How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw