An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .
My gondolences
Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...
Will get a free Venti later
A turkey was about to cross the road...
when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"
An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.
While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."
Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars
Ah sorry, spoilers
Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?
Seems a little far fetched to me.
It's the little things in a marriage.
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into
her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
Romania: Hey Hungary!
Romania: Wanna hear a joke?
Hungary: Sure!
Romania: Transilvania.
Hungary: I don't get it.
Romania: You will never get it.
In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .
It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.
You could hear the gunshots.
Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.
They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar, and I'm blonde. So, do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "Forget that! I ain't explaining the joke four times."
Oooooh BURN!
Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.
(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)
Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.
I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.
You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".
Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?
It was all over the news!
(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)
My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke
I replied “sure”
They said “me too”
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.
However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.
My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.
It was very hard to hear that.
