Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.

"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating.

OMg

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the Que Que Que

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

Did you hear? They invented a new shovel!

It's ground breaking!