I jokes

Why don’t you ever see any Transgender parents?

Because they’re Trans-Parent.

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

A man asks a woman how to spell “yacht”

Woman: “Y-A-H-T”

Man: “where’s the C”

Woman: “under the fucking yacht”

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam

- " But doctor, I don't have an erection"

- "I do, but it's perfectly normal"

You know what gets me down?

An extra Chromsome

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.