I jokes

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

I finally got a girlfriend

If only I could post this in any other sub

What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

AAARRRRRR Kelly

A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It’s a step by step guide.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.75 and a slice of pie in the Bahamas is $3.50

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

Star gazing isn’t very fun

I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see

I hate meeting dads.

That's why I only date black girls.

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich. Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."