I jokes

Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

"Can you believe that after all that shit they're still together?"

Who? "My buttcheeks."

One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

A priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar...

He sits down and has a drink

A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".

The Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg died.

It has become Ruth less.

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

My brother David had his ID stolen

Now he's just Dav

I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?' POW: 'Ukraine.' Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..

I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.