I jokes

Do you know what I call my hiking playlist?

My trail mix

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"

The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

What kind of rooms do ghosts avoid?

Living rooms

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

Two IT techs are at the local gun range.

After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"

The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils...they dilate.

Why was Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

I'm not convinced faith can move mountain's

But ive seen what it can do to skyscrapers

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

My wife only had sex with one man before me

It was a slow day