I jokes

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of 3?

The signs say "no trespassing"

Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?

All over the place!

Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?

The living room.

Good Kid!

A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"

His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?

Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

A cowboy is buying condoms.

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says. "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier. "Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

An Anteater walks into a bar....

Bartender says "can I get you a drink" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo"

Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"? Anteater replies "I was born with it".