I jokes

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs." That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

What is brown and sticky?

My Beyoncé calendar

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

I buy this girl a drink

So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

A frog took a DNA test

The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.

A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:

"I'll take five beers"

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

What's the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?

One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.

Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

Day 584 without sex.

Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..