Like jokes

She said "If we had kids I wonder what they would look like?"

I said "If we have kids, they'll be wondering what I look like."

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible

Me: so viagra won't help?

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin...

I don't know how to do it...

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

Say what you like about Donald Trump

You know... while you still can.

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"

"No, flush it like everyone else"