Like jokes

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..

Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

My best friend committed suicide by overdosing on Viagra...

I'm not sure he chose the best method though, it seems like a hard way to go.

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

Bunny

A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"

The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."

I like my coffee how i like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”

Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”

Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg!

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

A girl I met told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.