Like jokes

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

Sex is like golf,

the more holes, the more fun you have.

Waiter: "How would you like your steak sir?"

Me: "Medium?"

Medium: "I can see it, he wants it well done"

A young boy comes home from school after learning about sexual health and asks

Boy - 'Dad what does a vagina look like?'

Father - 'Well son, that depends. Are you interested before sex or after sex?'

Boy - 'Urmmm, before'

Father - 'It resembles the beautiful petals on a rose'

Boy - ' And what about after sex?'

Father - ' Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?'

I always wanted to be a multimillionaire, just like my dad.

He always wanted to be a multimillionaire too.

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

How is your first car like anal?

You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway.

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

"I ran out of lube this morning"

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

A wife is speaking to her husband...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.

Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

Life is like toilet paper,

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.