Like jokes

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?

... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...

... and I'm fucking him ...

... and then I reach around, and he's ***HARD***.

And I'm like ***SHIT THIS GUY IS A FAG!***

----------------------

I like to tell that one whenever the conversation stops at a party.

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back. Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship? I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out. You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER! I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?" To which the bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, what did you want?" "I would like to have a Less please." The bartender then apologizes: "I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?" The man answers: "Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

I like my coffee like how I like my slaves

Free

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

Swinger

I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.

Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.

If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on

I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

Fuck, I’m bored

For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...

it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.

Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.

My neighbors listen to some great music at night.

Whether they like it or not.