A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared
Apparently only DC movies can do that
I don't like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
I don't like my computer memory.
Not one bit.
On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
Special Hand Job
Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
Why do foot fetishists always lose?
They like the taste of defeat
People are like lottery tickets.
You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
What do you call an economist that likes to eat?
An economnomnomist
My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"
"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."
Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?
It brings out the kid in you
Breasts are like beer...
Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.