Living jokes

Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole?

A cat.

What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"