A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?
ok
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
I like my coffee how i like my women
WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.
I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;
Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance
Three Nuns sitting on a park bench
When a man runs up and flashes them.
Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.
What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?
A ginger bred man.
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."
Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"
Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?
Attire.