“Poor Old fool,”...
...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
A blind man walked into a bar...
...then a table, then a chair.
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'
What's the manliest job a man could do?
Mail man.
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
The Telemarketer
A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "What has a 2 inch penis, and hangs down?" The telemarketer replies "I give up, what?" The man says, "A monkey!... now what has a 9 inch penis, and hangs up?" The telemarketer says, "I don't know.."
--CLICK--
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
If a man opens the car door for his wife
You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.
Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.
Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.
The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!
Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
Black man kills conservative politician!
The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”
The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”
Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.
Where does He-Man keep his towel?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!
I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"