Me jokes

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punchline.

My cousin died last week; he needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Are you suicide? Because you're always on my mind.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Don't say your life is a joke; jokes have meaning.

Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.

A man gets kicked out of police camp for writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to chalk outlines.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? They can't see their parents.

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

To the wheelchair-bound thief who took my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

During an FBI exam, three men face a scenario: to shoot their wives. The first two couldn't do it. The third admits, "The gun wasn't loaded, so I strangled her."

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." A great saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Suicide is wrong, but if you yell "parkour" while jumping off a bridge, it's a failed stunt.

Ever heard of 'Naked and Afraid'? That's my uncle's version of hide and seek.

A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."

The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."

My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."