Me jokes

"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"

But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

Sometimes I use big words

that I don't quite understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

My wife has a logic fetish...

She's always coming to conclusions.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died?

Looks like his Korea is over

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Had my first threesome tonight.

There were two no-shows but I still had a great time