Me jokes

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

“Got any 2 watt bulbs?”

“For what?”

“That’ll do I’ll take two.”

“Two what?”

“I thought you didn’t have any.”

“Any what?”

“Ok then!”

5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.

Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.

"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"

"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"

Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber...

I said "Woah what are you doing?! I was gonna eat that later....now its gonna be all disgusting and cucumbery"

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman

After much deliberation,they named their son

Ravi O'Lee

What do you call adult-only Chess videos?

Pawn

I've been told by people I light up a room

According to police it's called arson and those people are "witnesses"

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

Milk Order

A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.

When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.

"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"

"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

the letter “f”

What do Grammar Nazis call their movement?

The Alt-Write.

What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

A circus has a lot of cunning stunts

Beleive it or not, Mormons do have sex.

Let that fact soak in.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

Well, it was just collecting dust.

My grief counselor died recently.

He was so good I really didn’t mind.