Me jokes

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

When I’m bored I text a random number: "I hid the body... now what?"

Why are orphans bad at poker? They don't know what a full house is.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals." Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it." Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person? If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you clown!"

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question. The answer is yes.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

They laughed at my crayon drawing; I laughed at their chalk outline.