Me jokes

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

I cry every time after sex

I hate prison

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.

Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"

The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."

"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.

Only an anti-vaxxer would get this

Polio

Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate, " I think therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

How can you tell a man from a woman

Well, there's not really a vas deferens