Me jokes

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

A nights work...

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.

It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

A left leaning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks: Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him. "Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: A Melonccoli.

Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'