Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?
I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."
We cannot allow this year to end
Because that will mean admitting that 2021.
GF: See you later, love you xxx
**Me:** love you too
**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx
**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky
My friend explains what the symbols on a map mean.
He is a legend.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
Never marry a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
If Poly means many then...
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH
Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?
I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"
I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".
What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)
And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means: Girls = Evil
I accept that my son is only average at school...
...he means well.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."
"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.
"That's not true," she replied.
"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"
She said, "I'm a man."
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!