Meaning jokes

Don't say your life is a joke; jokes have meaning.

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.

He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "nevermind"

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

"How much to buy a singing ensemble?"

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.