Myself jokes

What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?

Mute

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

When I was young, I was courageous enough to shave my privates with a straight razor.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

An electrician comes home late....

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

What do you call a color that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb?

None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".