Myself jokes

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

How did the orphan become famous? They said “Go Big or Go Home.”

Why did I walk across the road? To get hit by a car.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

Who’s the fastest reader? Me, 'cause I’ll be jumping off so many stories.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Because it's a family company.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He's a suicide bomber.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there, man, you wanna hang later?"

How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?

You flip it over.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flashbang into an epileptic children's ward.

What do you call an orphan's family reunion?

Me time.

You must be depression because you make me want to kill myself ;)