Myself jokes

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals." Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it." Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person? If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you clown!"

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question. The answer is yes.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

They laughed at my crayon drawing; I laughed at their chalk outline.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

The Toaster; otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

"I hate going to weddings because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Who needs April fools when your whole life is a joke?

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.