Myself jokes

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

Why is Kim Jong Un so ruthless?

Because he has no Seoul.

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

I walked into a bookstore

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"

Worker: "Hardback?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

A man is stranded on a dessert island

and it was delicious.

Personal Question

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway." "Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" she snapped. "Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

What do you call unemployed Bob the builder?

Bob

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...