Myself jokes

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

It shouldn't be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump

It's always darkest before Don

Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

Short and sweet cannibal joke

Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday

The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...

The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”

The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”

The bartender replies “So three drinks?”

“What the hell is three?”

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Wonder Woman

Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.

Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.

Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."

An average person tends to be a mean person

Math joke.

I had to give up being a Taxi Driver.

There was just too much talking behind my back.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.