Myself jokes

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Pavlov walks into a bar

As he opens the door the bell rings. "Oh shit!" Yells Pavlov, "I forgot to feed my dogs!"

Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips

A rope walks into a bar...

And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

After the delivery

(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

What's the difference between 9/11 and your birth?

One was planned.

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

He didn’t have the guts to

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Move to the left!

"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".

What makes a good pizza joke?

It’s all in the delivery

I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand