Myself jokes

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

The Toaster; otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

"I hate going to weddings because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Who needs April fools when your whole life is a joke?

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punchline.

My cousin died last week; he needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Are you suicide? Because you're always on my mind.

Don't say your life is a joke; jokes have meaning.

A man gets kicked out of police camp for writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to chalk outlines.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? They can't see their parents.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

To the wheelchair-bound thief who took my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

During an FBI exam, three men face a scenario: to shoot their wives. The first two couldn't do it. The third admits, "The gun wasn't loaded, so I strangled her."

Ever heard of 'Naked and Afraid'? That's my uncle's version of hide and seek.