Myself jokes

I made my girlfriend cum three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix

So don't drink and derive

My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this...'

A man and a wife are sitting outside...

The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."

Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

It’s not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Buisness

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Then okay.

Dad goes to Bill Gates...

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates: Then okay.

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...

Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

President: Then ok.

This is BUSINESS

My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.

He’s fully recovered now.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."