Myself jokes

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him...

...the sadist, smiling, walks away.

A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

Same time next month (with finger guns)

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

how do you know asians have broken into your home?

the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

I love the way the Earth rotates

It really makes my day

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

How often do I put orange slices in my beer?

Oh, once in a Blue Moon.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

You see comrade, there is no I in team.

But there is u in gulag.

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

I am really fuckin thick

Thick of not being apprethiated