Myself jokes

My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

My girlfriend treats me like God.

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

A farmer has three daughters who are all going on dates tonight. The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it. The boy says 'Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We are going to see a show. Is she ready to go?' so Flo leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says 'Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?' so Betty leaves with Eddy. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says 'Hello I'm Chuck....'. The farmer promptly shot him.

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, I need to sleep...

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

To the person who stole my glasses...

I will find you. I have contacts.

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

How much did Cain beat his brother?

As much as he was abel

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

I'm going to an open casket funeral later, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it or not...

Remains to be seen.