An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
I miss my ex sometimes
But my aim is getting better
My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.
The dyslexia doesn’t help either.
99.9% of people are idiots
Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people
Why was the transgender person upset about people getting their name wrong?
Because it was hard to pronouns.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?
They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised
I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.
I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.
Turns out it's tomorrow.
England is like a father to me.
Both don't come home.
“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”
“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic?
Don’t kid yourself
Embarrassing moment at docs
I was sitting in the doctor's . The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc,I said . "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
The results speak for themselves.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?
They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.
When you take a pen name ....
... that's a nom de plume.
When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.
When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .
My gondolences
I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.
A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.
