I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...
An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”
I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”
She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”
I once dated a girl who told me she had had sex with Mr. Peanut.
She was fucking nuts.
I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....
The plot was riveting!
There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology
It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?
I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.
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Now on sale at IKEA –Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?
He was nuts over her.
Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"
After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard
I guess you could say I came to my senses
Vegan in a restaurant
Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?
Waiter: the fuck out
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter
... he was fucking nuts.
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts.
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts??
Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck.