The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Most people are shocked when they find out...
...how incompetent I am as an electrician.
A hooker walked up to me....
And said "I'll suck your dick for $20."
I said "Let me see the $20 first."
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.
Two old guys were chatting in the park.
"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."
A plane is about to crash
A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."
I've been having hallucinations lately.
I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?
One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.
Dodged the bullet
A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?
A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.
After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...
He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess." When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
Let me tell you a little poem.
I dig You dig He digs We dig And so do they
Not a great poem, but it's very deep.
Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.
You know Harry's going to be in it.
(credit sickipedia)
"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"
But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.