Once jokes

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common Sense

If I had a Delorean...

I would probably only drive it from time to time.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near him when he's had a few drinks. He's a fucking cyclepath"

Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.

Whale junior: Umm thanks?

Papa whale: You're whalecum

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I dropped my laptop in the ocean.

Now there's a dell rolling in the deep.

Some sad news from Australia...

the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

A wife is speaking to her husband...

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes.

Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.