Once jokes

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

What's the difference between math and meth?

Meth is a stimulant, and math is a depressant.

My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

What did the Mexicans say when they heard Trump was building a wall?

We’ll get over it.

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?

Moo-ssolini

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...

First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!

“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”

The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”

I made some fish tacos last night...

They just swam away and ignored them.

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"

I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

Gifted child!

My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.