Other jokes

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high...

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

I just met a girl named ellen

she's the complete inverse of my e^(x)

What did the woman say after she was hit on by the Pillsbury Doughboy?

"No thanks. I'm not into roll play."

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

Agreeable Caesar

He came, he saw, and he concurred.

I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday

She said nothing will please her more

So I bought her nothing instead

A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.

"Pullover!" he screamed.

"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.

I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

An employee gets called into his boss’s office...

Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"

Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

If the USA so good

Why did they make the USB?

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.