Other jokes

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code!

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common Sense

If I had a Delorean...

I would probably only drive it from time to time.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near him when he's had a few drinks. He's a fucking cyclepath"

Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.

Whale junior: Umm thanks?

Papa whale: You're whalecum

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.