A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”
The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”
The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”
The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A duck walks into a store
“Got any duct tape?”
The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”
The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”
“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.
A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”
“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”
The duck pauses.
“Got any staples?”
“Err... no...”
“Got any duct tape?”
The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice
*No they don't, oh no they don't*
Hitler walks into a restaurant...
Adolf walks in to a restaurant and states, "I'm hungry!"
The owner asks, "Well, what do you want to eat?"
Hitler replies with, "As long as it's *not-sea*food, I'm sure I'll love it!"
Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!
Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?
Boy: I won it in a race.
Dad: Nice! How many people were there?
Boy: Ummm . . . two others
Dad: Who were they?
Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember
Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them
Boy: Well, there was me . . .
Dad: And . . .?
Boy: The store owner and the police
Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?
Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.
Not quite what she was expecting...
Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher.
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....
with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"
So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand
Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”
Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”
Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”
Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”
A man went to confess to the priest
"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)
