Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet...
I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
Why can't orphans go on school field trips?
Parent Signature: _______
Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."
How do parents punish their blind kids? They re-arrange the furniture.
So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? They can't see their parents.
As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa
I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman
Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.
Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.
“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.
The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"
I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"
Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.